The life of a woman in cultures like ours is always oriented towards the inescapable future of motherhood. In our families, having children is not a question of possibilities, much less something that is questioned; in fact, we are always educated to be good mothers and to choose not only the right time but also the most appropriate partner for it.
Our Antioquian culture in general educates us to grow up thinking that what you want, you achieve, as long as you fight for it. It is not surprising then that a young couple, with a successful academic life, a happy marriage, and a promising professional life seem to be the confirmation of a life ‘well lived’.
It is perhaps for that reason that as soon as you get married, the eternal and unfailing question arises: And when are you planning to have children? In our case, since we live outside the country, the unfailing question was always concentrated and multiplied on our sporadic trips to the country, at the beginning of our married life the answer was honest and always the same: “We want to wait a few years.”
The years passed and on each trip to Medellín there were always a few friends or relatives who had just had babies and tried to convince us that it was our turn. On each trip the eternal question was repeated, but after a few more years, it came with less intensity. It is as if as the years go by, friends and family give up or begin to suspect that it is not an appropriate question.
Another year passed and at that moment we decided it was the right time, we began the preparation and even tried to calculate the time so that the pregnancy did not coincide with vacations or specific moments.
The first six months we were calm and thought it was just a matter of time, and waiting for the body to return to its natural state after five long years of contraception. After a few months, a first delay arrived and the first illusion that vanished a few days later, we continued trying and almost without realizing it, a year had passed since we started our project.
After a year of failed attempts, we consulted with specialists in the country where we reside, all the answers were the same: “It is too early to consult, we suggest you relax.” Months passed and six months after our initial consultation, our reproduction specialist agreed without much conviction to start us on the first infertility treatments.
With the start of the first medications, the illusion and anxiety grew each month and the arrival of the period became a moment hated and feared by both. It was like facing a constant defeat and being forced month after month to restart a new project without even managing to mourn the defeat of the previous month.
After several months of medication without any success, we decided to take a break and go on vacation. The idea was to re-oxygenate ourselves and return with recharged energy to begin the second stage of the treatments, that is, intrauterine inseminations.
That short period of rest helped us a lot as a couple and revived in a certain way the passion of the couple’s life that had been affected by our conception plans. And it is that in the face of infertility, sexuality becomes a kind of biological ritual and spontaneity becomes a thing of the past and romance dissolves in the rigidity of ‘duty’. That is one of the saddest and at the same time most difficult things to manage as a couple.
Once we returned to our country of residence, the hard return to reality was not long in coming: it is that the world continues and people continue living, the pause was only for us and our problem. Thus, upon our return, the news of a new nephew in the family awaited us.
It was a new baby that arrived not only in undesirable conditions but after a short time of searching. This was another hard blow for us, one immediately begins to falter in their faith and to wonder what the lack of ‘justice’ is due to.
One constantly asks oneself: What am I doing wrong? What do I need to try? Could it be that we have not relaxed enough? When will it be my turn? Or simply the fatal: Could it be that this is not for me?
Today, after several years of struggle and with the illusion of our baby that arrives in a few months thanks to an in-vitro; we can look back with a new attitude and re-evaluate our process in a more objective and dispassionate way.
For us, the most valuable thing about this painful experience has been the strengthening of our relationship as a couple and the spiritual growth as individuals. Living an unsuccessful struggle as a couple can become a difficult test for a young marriage and the desire to create a ‘new being’ together can become a dangerous obsession and a matter of personal ego that can hurt family harmony.
Our advice for those couples who face this painful reality is that they do not forget a basic premise: work and strengthen the couple’s relationship to prevent the stress and anguish produced by infertility from cracking the foundations of the relationship.
In the midst of that whirlwind of emotions, it is easy to forget that in principle the idea is to let love flourish and have a new being that is a testimony of that love.
Looking back, something that would have helped us a lot was to have discovered early on that, contrary to what we believed, we were not the only ones facing this problem. Finding an emotional support network was the determining point in our emotional strengthening process.
In my case, it was an Internet page that was the key that allowed me to find a community of women facing my same problem. I also had the good fortune to find by chance two work colleagues who were going through my same situation. It was thus that together and without proposing it, we formed a kind of support group that transformed our relationship from colleagues into a good friendship and an important element of moral and emotional support.
In our experience, for men the situation is a little more complicated and lonely because they are to a certain extent spectators of the process.
As traditionally their emotions and concerns are processed in a very private and personal way, and knowing that they rarely tend to confide this type of problem to third parties, the importance of sharing with the partner and seeking common points of support arises. That is why we discovered that researching, informing, reading, and documenting as much as possible on the subject are productive ways to cope with the problem and counteract the possibilities of a harmful effect on the relationship.
