Mom, today I want to tell you something that for years I have kept in the depths of my heart. You have always been my unconditional support and your advice is my greatest treasure, but I must confess that infertility has been my great secret with you.
I don’t want you to think that I lost trust in you, on the contrary, I think I lost trust in myself. I decided to keep quiet for fear of facing reality. I never imagined that that dream you had of being a grandmother could be my great torment.
When I decided to get married, I remember that you told me that, although you were sad because I was leaving home, an immense joy invaded you because from that moment on I would begin to build my own family, which would accompany me for the rest of my days and teach me what the true meaning of love is.
Your family and religious traditions reminded me every day that children were the foundation of a big family, and that although it was difficult at times, it would all be worth it when I saw the great love between a mother and a child.
Although sometimes my thoughts were a little independent and out of the traditional, the concept of family with children was ingrained in me and it was a desire that I hoped to achieve at some point, however, when we made the decision to start the search for pregnancy, we began a difficult path that I want to tell you about today.
About 2 years passed from the moment we stopped taking care of each other and month after month we wanted to come home with a romper that said “YOU ARE GOING TO BE A GRANDMOTHER”. During all that time I knew that you suspected something (because you always look at it you know what I feel) but you were respectful and, although you asked me what I had, you never forced me to say anything.
After all that time of searching, we decided to go to a specialist to understand the reason why we did not achieve a pregnancy. That was, perhaps, the most difficult consultation of my life because from then on news came that clouded my path for a long time.
My husband and I had fertility problems, and we needed the support of treatment and several procedures to make the desire to have a child come true. At first it was difficult to understand, because we never imagined that something was happening, but after assimilating it, we made the decision to do whatever it took to achieve a pregnancy.
Since that moment a year has passed, that’s why I’ve been distant and also why I get irritated when someone in the family tells me that “I’m late”, “when” or “the bus is leaving you”. I know it’s no one’s fault, but within my process it’s frustrating to see that I still haven’t achieved it and that as much as I want it I’m afraid to think that it won’t come true.
I think you can understand many things now, why we put aside travel (we need the money for treatment), why I have some bruises in my stomach (application of medication), why I don’t talk about children (it makes me immensely sad) and because I have been with mood swings that sometimes made me isolate myself from family gatherings.
I know I hid it from you for a long time, but from now on I want you to accompany me and give me your motherly strength. With my psychologist I understood that it is important to surround ourselves with those who love us, and that perhaps, that is the support we need to cope with this path, which, if I am honest, has not been easy at all.
Next week I will have a second embryo transfer and I want you to accompany me so that together we can give them our blessing and dream of that “grandmother” that our heart longs for so much.
YOUR DAUGHTER WHO LOVES YOU AND NEEDS YOU
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