Mom, today I want to tell you that I have not been able to become a mother yet

Mom, today I want to tell you something that I have kept deep in my heart for years. You have always been my unconditional support and your advice is my greatest treasure, but I must confess that infertility has been my big hidden secret from you.

I do not want you to think that I lost my trust in you, on the contrary, I think I lost my trust in me. I decided to keep quiet because of my fear of facing reality. I never imagined that that wish you had of being a grandmother could be my greatest suffering.

When I decided to marry, I remember that you told me that although you were sad because I would be leaving home, an immense joy invaded you because from that moment on I would begin to build my own family, the one that would accompany me for the rest of my days and would teach me what the true meaning of love is.

Your family and religious traditions meant that you reminded me every day that children were the foundation of a strong family, and that, although it was sometimes difficult, it would all be worth it when I came to experience the great love between a mother and a child.

Although at times my own thoughts have been somewhat independent and non-traditional, the concept of a family with children was ingrained in me and was a desire that I hoped to fulfill at some point. However, when we made the decision to try for pregnancy, we began a difficult journey that I would like to tell you about today.

It has been approximately 2 years since we stopped taking precautions, and month after month we hoped to arrive at your home with a baby jumpsuit that said, “YOU ARE GOING TO BE A GRANDMA”. During all that time I knew that you suspected something (because with one look you always knew how I felt) but you were respectful and, although you asked me what was wrong, you never pressured me to say anything.

After all that time of trying for a baby, we decided to go to a specialist to understand the reason why I was not getting pregnant. That was, perhaps, the most difficult medical consultation of my life because from then on, we got news that fogged my life for a long time.

My husband and I had fertility problems. We needed treatment and various procedures to make our desire of a child come true. At first it was difficult to understand, because we had never imagined that anything was wrong, but after assimilating it, we made the decision to do whatever it took to achieve a pregnancy. 

Since that time, a year has gone by. That is why I have been distant and why I also get irritated when someone in the family says “I am taking too long”, “what are you waiting for?”, “your clock is ticking”, “it will be too late”. I know it is no one’s fault, but within my process it is frustrating that I have not become pregnant and that no matter how much I desire it, it scares me to think that it might not come true.

Now, I believe you may understand many things, the reason why we stopped the trips to see you (we need the money for the treatment), why I have some bruises on my stomach (application of different medications), why I do not talk about children (it makes me immensely sad) and why I have been having mood swings that at times resulted in me avoiding family gatherings.

I know I hid all this from you for a long time, but from now on I want you to be by my side and give me your strength as a mother. With the help of my psychologist, I have understood that it is important to surround ourselves with those who love us, and that maybe that is the support we need to get through this journey, which, if I am honest, has not been easy at all.

Next week I will have a second embryo transfer and I want you to join me so that together we can bless them and dream of that “grandmother” that our hearts long for. Will you accept my invitation?


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